Dismissive avoidant individuals often discard relationships when stressed due to a lack of learned coregulation, a process where nervous systems harmonize to manage stress. They regulate stress through objects or activities rather than people, fearing emotional expression will lead to rejection. This article explores coregulation, its absence in dismissive avoidants, and offers insights into healing and improving relationships.
Many people have observed a common pattern: dismissive avoidant individuals tend to suddenly leave or discard relationships, especially when they are stressed. This behavior can be confusing and painful for their partners and loved ones. However, the reasons behind this pattern are not what most people think. To truly understand why dismissive avoidants behave this way, we need to explore a fundamental concept called coregulation.
Coregulation is a biological and psychological process that all mammals engage in. It involves individuals' nervous systems harmonizing with each other. Essentially, our brains and nervous systems read the emotional and physiological states of others through subtle cues such as microexpressions, body language, and tone of voice. We then entrain or synchronize with these cues, often subconsciously.
For example, a young child who is around a stressed parent will pick up on the parent's stress cues and often mirror or internalize that stress. This process is crucial for survival and social bonding, as it helps individuals learn how to sustain relationships and navigate social environments.
Coregulation is a continuous unfolding of individual actions that can be modified by others. If you have ever been in a group where people are sad or upset, you might have noticed yourself feeling some of that sadness or stress, even if you are usually good at maintaining boundaries.
Children rely heavily on coregulation with their caregivers to determine how safe or stressed they should feel. If a child grows up with caregivers who are frequently anxious or stressed, the child’s nervous system may become wired to be more anxious as well. This is because the child is repeatedly exposed to and internalizes these anxious cues.
Dismissive avoidant individuals often lack healthy experiences of coregulation. While their nervous systems may naturally entrain with others, they miss out on the next critical step: behavioral coregulation.
Behavioral coregulation is when one person notices another’s stress and modifies their behavior to help soothe and reduce that stress. For example, a parent noticing a stressed child might ask, "Are you okay? What’s going on?" and offer emotional support or presence to help the child feel more regulated.
Dismissive avoidants typically did not experience this kind of behavioral coregulation in childhood. Instead, they learned to regulate their emotions through objects or activities such as cleaning, playing video games, binge-watching television, or engaging in hobbies. These activities serve as self-soothing mechanisms because they did not learn to regulate through people.
Dismissive avoidants often develop an attachment strategy centered on taking up as little emotional space as possible. They learned that expressing emotions could lead to shame, rejection, or dismissal. As a result, they suppress emotional expression and avoid learning how to coregulate with others.
There are three main reasons:
Because of these reasons, dismissive avoidants tend to reregulate on their own rather than seeking support from others.
This pattern of pushing people away when stressed is unhealthy and often leads to relationship sabotage. For those on the receiving end, it can be confusing and painful. Waiting for a dismissive avoidant to return after they have withdrawn is often not effective because they may feel too ashamed to reinvest in the relationship.
Dismissive avoidants often tell themselves stories of unworthiness and failure, which further prevents them from reconnecting.
The key for dismissive avoidants is learning how to coregulate. This means developing the ability to share emotional states and receive support from others in a healthy way.
For loved ones of dismissive avoidants, it is also important to develop your own coregulation skills. Sometimes, people are attracted to those who do not coregulate well because they themselves struggle with receiving or giving emotional support.
Other attachment styles, such as fearful avoidants and anxious individuals, may give a lot of coregulation but struggle to receive it. Understanding these dynamics can help improve relationships.
There are resources available, such as free webinars and courses, that delve deeper into coregulation and how to repair relationships. These resources can help individuals decide if a relationship is worth repairing and provide steps to do so.
Dismissive avoidant individuals discard relationships when stressed not because they do not care, but because they lack the tools and experiences of healthy coregulation. They regulate stress independently due to past conditioning and fear of emotional vulnerability.
Understanding coregulation and its absence in dismissive avoidants can help both them and their loved ones navigate these challenges with compassion and practical strategies for healing.
If you or someone you love struggles with these patterns, exploring coregulation and attachment styles can be a transformative step toward healthier relationships.
